Time and Tears

First time writing here after almost 3 years…

It’s midnight now — maybe because of slightly disrupted circadian rhythm, I couldn’t sleep yet. I’m trying to read a Forensic textbook (as I’ll start my first clinical rotation in Forensic Department by Monday), but nothing is going in my head. Perhaps my brain has become dull over the three-month holiday. 

After a lot of vain attempts to study, i end up here.. looking at my old blog, reading my previous writings. I suddenly feel nostalgic reading my post about YES selection during high school, that moment still has a place in my heart, it always has. But what really make me laugh silently are posts from my early days as medical student. I cried all the time. No, I still cry all the time, LOL. I kinda like to keep personal stuffs to myself, bottling everything inside, so when the bottle is almost full and going to explode, i’ll just cry… But I find myself crying a lot over little things back then, I remember crying because I hated memorising all those anatomical terms, i remember joining many BSO and events to prevent myself from crying because i missed home, i remember calling my mom all in tears just because i felt too emotional after riding bicycle in heavy rain. I was so naive, so immature, not to say I’m all grown up now, but… I think I can control my tears much better lately :p.

Well, in fact, I didn’t really intend to write about tears here, haha. What i’m trying to say is.. as time flies, many things change (although some things remain the same). If in 2012 i struggled to fit in my preclinical life, now, in 2016, alhamdulillah i’ve passed that stage, i’ve earned my S.Ked degree, and i’ll start my clinical life in two days, struggling again, with brand new environment, brand new group for 2 years (Hey there Erik, Arta, Nikko, Dimas, Vincent, Ida, Lydia, Dijay, Gabi, Dansuk, Febi, Wisnu; I’m writing all your names here because I put my faith in Allah that we will be strong and solid for next two years and.. forever! Good luck for us 16101! kekeke). 

I don’t know what will happen next, what will be waiting ahead, or what twists await.  All I know, It’s time to turn the ending into the new beginning towards a great journey and hopefully it will conclude another beautiful ending.  A note to myself, as a person that really hard to let go of things, I hope I can hold tight to good things in life, and stop holding on too long for what I can’t control. Be ready to embrace reality, learn many new things, take chances, and keep climbing.

Every tear should live its purpose, so I promise I will shed tears for better reasons in the future — the tears of joy and relief, of grace and hope, of love and gratitude. 

Nothing is more powerful and beautiful than a smile that has struggled through the time and tears.

Better Man

"As my soul heals through the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man"

Robbie Williams, "Better Man"

Stuck

Okay, everything is okay. My life is okay. Everything seems to be normal and I'm not in misery. But, I feel like something missing. Stuck and it sucks.

...

...

...

I keep asking myself, but end up like... I don't know what I want. I think I know, but I really don't. 

I used to be a person who fantasized a lot. I imagined so many things. My head was full of dreams. As I grow older, I start analyzing things logically. Then, at some points of life, reality hits straight in my face. I become more cynical to life and dream less. Self-doubt has taken control of me. I daren't to list new dreams, take actions and do something new - but keep doing the same things instead. 

Well, maybe, I should start dreaming again, be more optimistic to world. I must start discovering new things to find what i really want. Making plans and be committed.

I know things are easier said than done, but, what's so wrong with trying to do things right?

I'll know what I want soon, hopefully :)

Belakangan...

Oke, sebenernya aku ga punya ide lain mau ngasih judul apa, karena intinya aku cuma mau ceritain kejadian-kejadian belakangan ini. Postingan kali ini yaa, nggak serius, ga terlalu diniatin bikinnya, semacam direct-typing-method gitu (apadeh), jadi yaa kalau postingan ini rada geje, harap maklum.

Jadi semenjak blok 1.2, aku udah mulai ikut-ikut kegiatan dan organisasi, tujuannya yaah nambah-nambah pengalaman, temen, sama ngelatih berorganisasi, wait… sebenernya tujuan utama aku ikut kegiatan-kegiatan sih biar nggak galau, kesepian, kangen ortu, kangen keluarga, kangen rumah. Hiks.

i miss my family, a lot.

Baiklah, mulai dari Oktober, aku masuk SCOPE (Standing Committee on Professional Exchange) CIMSA, jadi sampai sekarang kegiatan SCOPE yang udah aku ikutin adalah welcoming party, bikin welcoming letter buat bule-bule yang mau incoming ke sini, sama belajar segala hal tentang professional exchange (incoming dan outgoing) buat mahasiswa kedokteran, yang insyaAllah bakal dilaksanain awal tahun 2013 ntar. Oh iya, bentar lagi juga bakal diadain acara orientasi Sardjito, jadi biar pas bule-bule incoming itu datang, kita bisa nemenin dan jadi guide yang baik. Lah, lebay amat sih pake acara pengenalan area Sardjito dulu? Wah, itu rumah sakit kaya labirin, suer deh, kemaren aja pas kesana nyari info buat welcoming letter bareng Juju sama Leo, kita nyasarrrrr. Jadi makanya ntar kalo nyasar bareng bulenya, kan ga lucu-_-. Pokoknya acara-acara SCOPE seru deh J

We are SCOPEople!

Terus, aku masih jadi divisi publikasi di Medical Action Weeks 2012. Funbike, dokter kecil, sehari bersama anak panti, baksos udah kelar, tinggal donor darah sama closing yang belum. Oh iyaa, jangan lupa ikutan donor darah di FK UGM 21/12/12 terus closingnya ini kita adain konser amal, guest starnya Adera loo (sekalian publikasi :p). Sejujurnya aku rada heran sih, kerjaan aku di MAW ini gabut bangeeet, nyaris nggak ada kerjaan malah, sejauh ini tugas publikasiku ya nyebarin-nyebarin info seluas-luasnya lewat social media, nganterin surat invitasi ke sekolah-sekolah buat dokter kecil, nempelin-nempelin poster funbike, donor darah di fakultas-fakultas lain, bantuin divisi acara buat jadi penunjuk jalan pas funbike, bantuin pos-pos dokter kecil, tapi bisa dibilang santai deh. Asyiknya J

Divisi Publikasi MAW FK UGM 2012

Oh ya, kemaren aku juga ikutan oprec Gamamed Fair 7, semacam acara olimpiade biologi dan kedokteran buat anak sma tingkat nasional gitu (NOMS), tapi ada acara-acara lainnya juga, kaya tdfk (ngerasain jadi anak fk selama 2 hari), pepton (lomba essay sama poster gitu), tdj (jalan-jalan keliling jogja), sama opfare (opening-farewell). Waktu itu sih sebenernya aku tiba-tiba aja pengen ikutan, ngelamar di sie acara TDFK, padahal aku belum pernah jadi sie acara, daftarnya hari terakhir lagi-_- Dan akhirnya aku diinterview barengan agit sama si bos koor, kak apip, terus dikasih tau kalo pendaftar sie acara tdfk itu ada 27 orang (kalo ga salah) dan yang bakal diterima cuma 7. Yaudah deh, serahin nasib aja, eh serahin sama keputusan si bos. Hahaha. Dan ternyata, Alhamdulillah, diterima. Terciptalah sebuah keluarga baru, TDFK family (kak apip, kak whida, [kak] zelin, kak elsa, agit, windri, ocha, aku). Beda banget sama MAW, setelah diterima di Gamamed langsung dikasih tugas bikin rundown, dan kita baru aja ngadain first date di Poncab. Disana aku sama ocha dikasih late birthday surprise, terus kita main uno bareng, makan, nge-design kasaran rundown, terus dikasih tau PJnya apa, dan aku jadi PJ fasil + wakil PJ kaget + wakil PJ closing. Okesip. Kita masih jarang ketemuan sih, jadi aku belum bisa cerita banyak. Semoga TDFK family makin solid dan Gamamed Fair 7 pas bulan Mei 2013 ntar sukses. Amin J

TDFK family Gamamed Fair 7 (minus [Kak] Zelin, yang fotoin)

Sekarang, tentang BEM, setelah berlalunya 3 hari Masa Orientasi BEM yang isinya materi dan FGD (sejujurnya aku rada males ngikutinnya, hihihi), waktunya magang! Aku daftar magang di departemen Sosmas, dan Minat Bakat.

Mulai dari magang sosmas dulu deh, kemaren aku ditugasin buat di pos pelayanan kesehatan acara Merpati di panti asuhan di Bantul. Tadinya pengen nensi, tapi karena aku ‘lumayan’ tinggi (pede amat) jadi disuruh ngukur tinggi badan anak-anak pantinya. Ya Allah, mereka rusuh bangeeet, tapi lucu-lucu :3 Rempongnya paling kalo ngukur tinggi anak cowo yang udah SMA dan lebih tinggi dari aku-_-. Besoknya ke Desa Sri Martani buat evaluasi rumah bebas asap rokok, jadi nanyain ibu-ibu tentang kebiasaan merokok bapak-bapaknya itu udah berubah apa belum gitu deh. Tiap pasangan dapet tugas wawancarain 7 keluarga,  aku dapet di RT II, Dukuh Kemloko, dan anjiiir, itu jalannya mendaki bukiiiit-_-, dan yang super random adalah, hampir semua ibu-ibu dan mbah-mbah itu ga bisa bahasa Indonesia, untungnya partner aku, mbak hanan, orang jawa, jadi mayoritas aku cuma nulis translate-an mbak hanan sambil sok-sok ngangguk nanggepin obrolan ibunya. Intinya dua hari magang sosmas itu bikin exhausted banget, tapi sepadan dengan pengalaman, kepuasan, serta senyuman anak-anak panti dan warga desa itu semua J. 

Desa Srimartani (ngambil dari internet :p)

Selanjutnya, magang minat bakat. Jadi waktu itu, aku di sms dari departemen minat bakat buat jadi panitia Olympiart (olimpiade seni dan olahraga se-FK UGM), dan pas rapat, kak Rofi (ketua Olympiart) masukin aku sama zirah ke PJ Tenis Meja dan Catur dengan koornya kak apip (oke beliau lagi). Seiring berjalannya waktu, jadi tau deh, koor TDFK sekalian olympiart ini tanggung jawabnya oke, tapi selengean plus bocah banget -__-.  Dan berhubung aku juga rada bingungan, jadi kalo kita ngobrol soal tugas atau apapun deh lewat bbm atau sms pasti OOT bangeeeet. Hahaha. Jadi satu tim tenis meja dan catur ini (kak apip, zirah, idris, ardiles, aku) ngaco abis deh orang-orangnya, tapi itu yang bikin seru, bikin ngakak hahaha. Secara keseluruhan, Olympiart asyik banget deh, soalnya kakak-kakak dan temen-temen panitianya pada kocak+ancur+seru hahaha. Olympiart masih jalan nih, walaupun yang tugas kita (tenis meja+catur) sama rata-rata cabang lain (badminton, estafet, renang, tenis, sprint, dll) udah kelar, tapi besok masih mau rapat buat vocal group dan acoustic, semoga Olympiart ini sukses dan lancar sampai akhir, dan ngakaknya juga lancar sampai akhir. HAHAHA. *emot drooling*.

Panitia Olympiart [minus yang lagi ngangkut peralatan audio ke MMC]

Panitia Olympiart [lagi-lagi minus yang lagi ngangkut peralatan audio ke MMC]

Dan, satu lagi, kepanitiaan UGM Flies to Riau, ini waktu-waktu buat ngumpul sama temen-temen lama dan “keluarkan logat aslimu” hahaha. Tapi, maaf banget deh sama temen-temen Kemari Gama 2012, aku sekretaris tapi sering ga datang rapat, maaf teman-temaaaaan, kemaren ujian. Semoga acara sosialisasi ke sekolah-sekolah, try out, dan bedah kampus kita sukses yaa J

sebagian kecil Keluarga Mahasiswa Riau Gadjah Mada 2012

Yah begitulah kira-kira kegiatanku belakangan ini. Blok 1.2 udah berakhir, hasilnyaa belum tau… tapi sayangnya satu sih, usaha aku belum maksimal banget nih, gatau bisa dapet A atau nggak, semoga bisa, amin. Yah, kemaren belajarnya masih kurang nyicil, banyak dikebut diujung pas mau ujian, harus berubah di blok 1.3 ini dan blok-blok selanjutnya, semangat! Daah, mau belajar dulu :p

total mess, menjelang ujian blok 1.2

INFO GA PENTING:

Oh ya, mau pamer nih, kemaren pas liburan blok 1.2 aku udah beresin kamar kosku looo *emot drooling lagi*

Lumayan rapi kaaaaan? Tapi the truth is, i miss my lovely room in my home sweet home, Pekanbaru :')

How are you?

Jogja, 18 Desember 2012

Iska

Eighteen years, November...

            I know it’s too late to say hi to you, yes, you November. Many things I love from you, not just because of 26, but you are what I always call the-pouring-rain-month. I do love rain that drops from the sky. I’ve always found that rain is very calming. Besides, November, the past years, you kept giving me so many surprises. Many remarkable things had happened, which I emphasize here, not all of them were over the moon, yes, some were down in the dumps. Yet, they all had ushered me to the deeper understanding of life.

            Here I am, facing you again, alhamdulillah I’m still given another turn to meet you. We meet in different place. Heaps of things have changed anyway. Just to say, on our tenth encounter, who knew things would go out like this. Jogja, Gadjah Mada, medical student, standing on my own two feet. Well, November, I’m no longer living with my parents, and since you’ve known me, the spoiled kid, I honestly say living alone is not an easy thing to do for me. But, I have determination to change, and I will make it happen, insyaAllah.

Literally, I have lots of story to share with you, but I can’t, just because of one silly thing, November, time is not on my side. I feel terrible that I can’t befriend time, yet. I’m tied up with hectic academic schedules and tasks, organizational activities, committee’s stuffs… To tell you the truth, November, I’m happy with them all, but I feel worried even so. I’m afraid that there will be time when things don’t go my way, and then I will give up everything. Just an old me, November, too much worries. So, November, if Allah still give us other encounters in the future, I hope you will meet a better me, who begoodfriending time. Amin.

Well, today is 26, my birthday. Alhamdulillah, eighteen years, November. How grateful I am to have these awesome 18 years, everything, a great family that’s always be here for me, good friends to share many things with, amazing life, wonderful experiences, and all aspects that had filled my life every single day, hour, minute, even second. Life goes on, November. I shouldn’t stop drawing my life with colors. I must keep studying, learning, enjoying this life, because I only live once. Now, It’s all my choice, am I growing up or just getting older?

November, 26^th 2012

Title? Later...

Nggak kerasa week 4 block 1.1 udah lewat, berarti kalo dihitung dari minggu ppsmb, udah 6 minggu aku di jogja. Wah... [?]

Kenapa aku nulis postingan ini di penghujung week 4? Yaa, sebenernya nggak ada special reason sih, kebetulan aja lagi lowong, besok nggak ada lecture, jadi it's a long weekend! :D

Tadi, karena aku anggota panitia divisi publikasi di  MAW (Medical Action Weeks) 2012, harusnya abis praktikum anat tadi, aku bareng Linda sama Alfi ke FISIPOL, FKH sama F. Peternakan buat ngebagiin poster sama surat invitasi Fun Bike MAW, tapi berhubung kata Kak Dika (Koor Div Publikasi) posternya belum kelar di print semua, ya akhirnya batal deh. Niatnya sih tadi, pulang kuliah mau nyelesain motivation letter BEM, ngangsur belajar, ngerapiin catatan, ngerapiin materi-materi praktikum, ngisi logbook, dan niat-niat mulia lainnya.   tapi.. ya, me, a heavy procrastinator [salah satu hal yang paling susah dihilangin dari aku, sampai-sampai buat nentuin judul ini aja aku nunda-_-"], selalu ada alasan buat nunda-nunda: "Ah tadi kan cape, abis tutorial, praktikum anat lagi [alhamdulillah nggak inhal :')], nggak seger nih, ah istirahat dulu ajadeh". Nah, akhirnya waktu lowong yang langka tadi sore aku habisin buat ngale ga jelas. Hmm. Abis sholat magrib malah gowes bareng Danna ke Waroeng Steak [another example of wrong priority management]. Pulang-pulang malah bikin postingan blog, ngaku-ngaku punya waktu lowong, ngaku-ngaku nggak bisa manajemen waktu dan prioritas dengan baik, tapi tetep aja belum melakukan salah satu dari niat-niat mulia tadi. Yes, me.

Oh iya, sebenernya ini bukan full "long weekend" juga sih, hari sabtu-minggu aku ikut makrab CIMSA ke Villa Taman Eden [km 20 bro!], dan besok ada briefing yang mestinya bakal disuruh nyiapin banyak hal, barang, atau tugas ini itu. Selain itu, tugas nyebar poster sama surat invitasi DokCil MAW ke SD-SD juga belum dikerjain, untungnya Victor [partner aku buat nyebarin poster] mau ngantarin sendiri kalo jadwal aku ga kosong karena makrab CIMSA. Tapi tetep aja, berarti, waktu luang aku yang bener-bener free cuma dari tadi sore sampai besok sore buat ngerjain segala macam niat tadi.. Ah...

Yasudahlah, kita habiskan saja malam yang sudah terlanjur santai ini untuk istirahat [lagi-lagi procrastinating]. Oh iska!

Oke, besok full libur, besok harus udah ngangsur, besok harus ngerjain! [semoga ini tidak menjadi sekedar janji kosong dalam ketikan menuju penundaan selanjutnya, amin]

-- Salam,

Iska

Calon bukan procrastinator

Your Heart Will Lead You Home

Sunny days and starry nights
And lazy afternoons
You're countin' castles in the clouds
And hummin' little tunes
But somehow, right before your eyes
The summer fades away
Everything is different
And everything has changed
If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The ones who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you home

Funny how a photograph
Can take you back in time
To places and embraces
That you thought you'd left behind
They're trying to remind you
That you're not the only one
That no one is an island
When all is said and one

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alon, you know
Just think of your friends

The ones who care
They all will be waiting there with love to share
And your heart will lead you home

There'll come a day
When you're losing your way
And you won't know where you belong
They say that "Home is where the heart is"

So follow your heart
And know that you can't go wrong

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from hom
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The one who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you

If you feel lost and on your own
And far from home
You're never alone, you know
Just think of your friends
The ones who care
They all will be waiting there
With love to share
And your heart will lead you
Where you belong
I know your heart will lead you home

- Kenny Loggins